So I have almost officially given up the search for work at home. I mean I already have a full time job at home anyway - 5 kids and a husband. Shouldn't that be enough? Well it is to me, but financially, it doesn't pay the bills or anything.

I thought I had actually scored a great work at home job as a Virtual Assistant. Turns out the lady didn't want to work with me after all. Not sure why, but I had a bad feeling from the start. I think I am finally learning to trust my instincts again and relax a little more. I have really spent the last month or so stressing big time and being super depressed about not having a job and not having money for Christmas. Turns out that being totally scammed out of $1000 was not such a bad thing. We were able to get it all back and use it for Christmas. And I have learned a huge lesson.

So now that I don't have any eggs in my basket so to speak, and I have decided to stop obsessing over working at home, I am feeling alot better. I did get alot of retail therapy though. Theres no better feeling than going out and buying your kids all the things they have been wanting for so many months. It makes me really happy and I think it's going to be a great Christmas.

I was really upset about loosing potential jobs, but maybe it's the Universes way of telling me I need to focus only on my family. I guess if there is something more for me, I will find out soon enough.

So last year in my search for a work at home job, I got caught up in a huge scam. A "company" called The Global Speculator was hiring researchers, writers and more for telecommuting jobs to help create and maintain their website. It really seemed legit. That is until a few weeks into it everyone was freaking out because they weren't getting paid. I mean there were about a hundred "employees" for this place, most of whom had started working over a month before I was "hired". The funny thing is, the "owner" had set up a company email system where all the employees could get mass emails from managers. This allowed them all to communicate and therefore find out that no-one was getting paid. So, I was scammed and had given out my social and my bank account number. Of course I was livid. I was worried about what was going to be done with my information. One of the people that had also been scammed said they had signed up for a free trial of an identity theft program and recommended it. I went to check it out and signed up for the free month.

Fast forward a year and a half later. I am looking at a bank statement and see two charges from some company I have never heard of. (or so I thought). These charges had a website address by it, so I get on the web to check it out. PM Identity & Privacy Matters. The company I signed up for a free 30 day trial with. I keep all my bank statements (even though I never seem to look at them) and went back looking through them. I find more charges - twice a month - for this company with two names. I am extremely angry at this point. So I call these people up. The customer service agent informs me I signed up for a free 30 day trial and after that it automatically went into a charged monthly fee. WTF???? I asked to speak to a manager and boy did I GO OFF on this guy!

Obviously he didn't even know what to say. After I explained the situation to him and expressed my anger to him, all he could say was, "well what do you want me to do?" Ummm, duh! I want ALL my money back. I actually got him to agree to four months of charges back and got off the phone with many threats. I went through all the bank statements I had saved with my husband and realized they had been charging me every month, twice a month for 15 months! For a total of $1018! And I never even knew because I don't check my statements!

The questions in my mind were: how the hell can they do this? I was never told I would be getting charged anything after the free trial. And if I was automatically signed up for the program, how long do you get signed up for? Life? I mean usually a place puts you on for a year. It was a year and a half! So I had my husband call them, because he is able to be much more calm during these situations. Then he was told we were getting a refund for 11 of the months. He got off the phone. We talked and figured out exactly how much we were owed so he could call them back again. This time he was told had indeed credited our account back for the full 15 months of charges and that it would be two business days for us to see it. I was relieved, but a bit wary.

The thing that really gets me is, they obviously know what they did was wrong, otherwise they would not even consider a refund. I'm not really sure what the next step in this is, but I did get emails today stating that our account was being credited. I am really crossing my fingers here.

I guess the moral of this story is, (in case your anything like me) never give your credit card # out unless you trust the company you are buying from (or getting a free trial from), always check your bank statements and trust no one. I realize not everyone makes such foolish mistakes as I did, but I also know that this company is defiantly doing this to other people all over the United States. If they can do it to me, I know they are doing it to alot of other unsuspecting people. So be careful and beware!

Today we took are annual trip to Apple Hill to cut down our Christmas tree. Every year we look forward to driving up into the mountains and eating apple treats and searching for that perfect tree. This year was a little more special than other years though, because my youngest son is one this year, so he was able to really enjoy himself. It was also the first time to Apple Hill for my youngest step son, who just came to live with us over the summer. So the trip was filled with alot 0f excitement and sentimental moments.

In the car ride up to Apple Hill, my step son was talking about a mile a minute. I could really tell how excited he was. I think it made him happy to know he was really a part of our family to be included on our Christmas tree tradition. He kept asking the same questions over and over again and talking about what it would be like there. It was very sweet.

When we finally got there the only thing the kids could think of was apple pie. A part of our tradition is to get apple pie or cake or donuts or something delicious like that. I had to hold them off until my stomach could catch up to me from the long car ride. So we walked around and looked at homemade crafts and watched people fishing in the pond. After awhile we went to the Pie Store to get our apple pie. I have to say, the baby just loves apple pie. lol!

After that we went to go get apple donuts.( I can't refuse) and that's when we say a Christmas tree farm right there on the property. The sign read "$55 for a tree and a lb of fudge". I am so there! So we got to hunt through the tree groves for the perfect tree. The baby loved it! He was running around, playing in the mud, exploring the trees. It was a blast. And so worth the fudge. Heaven.

Then it was time for the long trip home so we could put the tree up. I just have to say, having a Christmas tree with a 1 year old - not an easy thing. He wants to hit the tree, pull on it, put his mouth on the lights, go behind it, etc. He went behind the tree so many times his hair was sticking up with sap. It was adorable. So the next project is to decorate and find a stocking for my baby and step son. I think this Christmas will be wonderful.

Well it's that time of year again! Time to warn your children that "Santa Clause is watching!". When they decide to scream and cry, whine and tell you "no!" they won't do their chores/homework/bath/go to bed. So you break out the old "Santa's watching" threat. I remember when they were little and it worked. They would be so worried they wouldn't get presents, or worse - a lump of coal! Now they are older and I think they pretty much know that Santa will be coming down the chimney no matter what.

And yes, my 7, 9 & 10 year olds believe in Santa. How awesome is that? I think it's sweet and precious. They are only innocent for a short time, so I want them to enjoy it. Pretty soon all their Christmas illusions will be ruined. I remember when I was a kid and didn't believe in Santa anymore. I spent my time waiting to sneak around my parents closest for presents. Yes, I was a naughty little child. Well, kinda. C'mon, I had to make sure I wasn't really getting a new feather duster and broom with matching dust pan like my Dad said.

Now that I look back, I love that he joked with me like that. Then, not so much. I was joking with one of my sons like that last night. Ah, the memories.

Why is it that the one time a month my husband and I can stay awake so we can "spend time together" (if you know what i mean, wink wink) that my 1 year old has to wake up right then! Seriously, with 5 kids we are both dog tired by 9 pm when they are all finally in bed. Then it's TiVo time. I know what you're thinking - turn off the TV! But how can I when I have 8 shows on TiVo that need to be watched? So anyway, after an hour show, my husband is usually asleep on the couch. Which I totally understand! And if he's not, then I am just too tired to function. So we both pass out thinking about it, but not doing anything. LOL. So yeah, I think my baby has some sixth sense about these things. Because he can otherwise sleep for many hours of the night without waking. Except on those nights. *Sigh*.I know other moms have this same problem, so holler at me!

Today something happened that really reaffirmed my belief that things happen for a reason. This weekend, I was given the opportunity to speak with a woman who needed child care for her 5 children during the week. I was very excited about this opportunity because I thought it would be great for the kids (hers & mine) who all go to school together, and it would help me generate some much needed income for my family. I emailed with the lady several times and we agreed to meet after she went out for a couple of hours.

I had my kids help me clean up the house and told them that some other children from their school might be coming over for me to babysit. They worked really hard to help me clean and then waited patiently for the lady to come over. The time when I was supposed to hear back from her so I could give her my address, etc., came and went. Then several more hours after that dragged by. The kids were increasingly anxious and I was a nervous wreck. I really needed to get this job.

Finallly, that evening I hear from her and she still wants to meet. When she calls I'm in the middle of dinner, which I totally abandon to talk to her. I find out that her children have never been in day care and she's very upset about the whole thing. She still wants to meet with me, and says she'll call me back after she talks to her ex husband about coming along. By the time the kids went to bed and I hadn't heard from her, I knew it wasn't happening. I was really upset about the whole situation and had little hope about it working out.

The next day, I emailed her to ask her to please let me know if she had changed her mind. I mean I waited all day and into the evening for this person! Anyway, she finally got back to me to let me know she was able to arrange it so she didn't need to put them in day care anyway. Fine. The problem for me was, I really needed the money from this gig. Without it, I didn't know where to look next for work. I need to be at home with my children. I couldn't understand why something that seemed so perfect just slipped away so easily. I even talked to my husband last night about what meaning it could possibly have.

Then I got an email from a virtual assistant position I had applied to. I scheduled to talk to this person about my services and what they needed. I was hopeful, but wary. I didn't want to get excited again. Well the good news is, I have my first virtual assistant client! yay! And the funny thing is, I could not have done this job if I were to do the babysitting job. The hours would have conflicted. So how is that for having a deeper meaning! I love when things like that happen. Now if I could just relax and wait for it instead of questioning myself. I'll work on that next.

Since I have started blogging, I have found it rather therapeutic. It really makes me feel good to write, to get creative juices flowing, to get out feelings and ideas. I have been writing since I was 13, and there have been many years where my pen never touched a paper other than to write notes at work or grocery lists.

I remember the first poem I wrote at 13. It was very dark and depressing. Then again, at that time, I was dark and depressed. It was the beginning of me though. I am a writer, through and through. It starts at the core of my soul and goes through to my heart. Writing has gotten me through some of the worst times in my life. Writing stories has gotten me into another world when my own was unbearable. Journal entries have helped me to sort out so many conflicting feelings. Poems have helped me cry out to the world and share my soul. It is who I am.

As much as I love to write, it has always been hard to share my writing with people I am close to. The thought of being judged, or really not accepted and loved, is enough to injure my emotions in a whole new way. If someone I loved were to read a poem I wrote for them, and didn't react as if they loved it, it would be like a 1000 deaths for me. I know that sounds funny, but like I said, I am the writing.

So now, as an adult, a mother of 5, and a wife, I am very busy. Writing is something that is very hard to find time to do. That's why I am very glad I have found the world of blogging. The best part is, it is anonymous, so I don't have to care what anyone else thinks of these words. Thanks for reading them.